Kim Kardashian and the nun

Finding the middle way between having it all and having nothing at all

It might seem a bit odd that a reality star and a monastic take up equal space in my aspirations. But I have always felt like I’m shuttling between these two polarising extremes. So much of my own very messy life is figuring how to allow and live with both.

On the one hand, I desire an obnoxious life of excess. I want the very same kind of material wealth and name-up-in-lights pizzazz as Kim Kardashian (well, any of the Kardashians; I’ll not be too fussy). Cartier watches. Bvlgari jewels. Top-to-toe couture wardrobes. Champagne lunches. USD40-million-dollar home in the Hollywood Hills. 5-star-only holidays in St Tropez.

On the other, I also hold a deep-down longing for a life stripped down to its barest. I am lit up thinking of the unattached, unfettered simple living of a Buddhist nun. Five sets of the same leggings and tshirts. Soup. A tiny house. Eating only what I grow. Silent retreats. Turning down all invitations to all parties. Prayer.

These longings don’t take turns in my head. As far back as I can remember, they have lived alongside each other, jostling for the same space at the same time. This makes everything messy because of course, getting closer to one desire - e.g. landing my dream job in a glossy fashion magazine - necessarily means I feel further away from the other - i.e. living like a nun. I always feel like I’m either too much of one thing or too little of the other; there are always equal amounts of pleasure as there is shame for what I accomplish in one ‘world’ or the other.

The inauthenticity of trying to live both ways, together

A dear friend of mine - a healer, yoga teacher, poet, author - often reminds me that there’s no need to pick a side. Perhaps a soul learning or purpose in this life, for me, is to find a way to live fully with both.

And of course that sounds obvious: I don’t need to veer in either extreme; I could pick a middling ground. But what does that look like? In practical terms, how would I live like that? The two states of being feel so antithetical to each other that I can’t understand how to enjoy them simultaneously.

I also don’t want to end up in that fraught space where a ‘spiritual life’ becomes one that’s actually highly manufactured and created by/from excess. Tibetan Buddhist teacher Chogyam Trungpa calls this spiritual materialism - where we ‘collect’ spiritual experiences and accolades, and become just as materially attached to them as we do expensive watches and fame.

(Some examples of what this might look like: feeling like you only practice your best yoga on a branded, expensive yoga mat; or feeling adequately peaceful and spiritual only when reciting mantras over trendy overpriced prayer beads made by the hottest jewellery brand; or doing retreats and courses with whichever spiritual teacher has the most impressive ‘branded’ website and highest number of Instagram followers.)

For a long time, I was a part of a spiritual organisation where we were actively encouraged to live in both ways; to use the richness of our material lives as a way to ‘do’ spirituality. That sounds paradoxical but what it really came down to was being able to still pursue and have the things we enjoyed while incorporating more spiritual ways of being and acting in our everyday interactions - more kindness, generosity, compassion, less greed, intentional harmfulness, selfishness.

The idea was to be able to ‘show’ the world that I could love nice things, be fashionable, tote expensive branded handbags while also being someone who cared deeply about helping others and growing my own qualities of altruism and wisdom. It was also a way of attracting other young, dynamic, intelligent, fun-loving people onto a spiritual path. By demonstrating that material pleasures and spirituality were not mutually exclusive events, we were poster girls and boys for what it meant to be deeply spiritual in the 21st century without having to give up the pleasures of worldly ‘trappings’.

In theory, this sounds wonderful - you get to enjoy the best of both worlds, have your cake and all that. Continue doing all that you do - ostentatious fashions, wild nights, glamour, beauty, hot sex - while also moving towards enlightenment. What’s not to love?!

In practice, this worked for awhile… until it didn’t. Eventually, the very things that were lauded for making us those ideal spiritual poster girls and boys were the very things that we would be used against us. My youthful 20-something love of having a laugh, nights out and cute fashion was eventually used against me, marking me out as someone who didn’t take my noble, spiritual work seriously; who was frivolous, selfish and “only wanting to have fun”.

Ultimately, it seemed, we couldn’t have the best of both worlds. In the end, we were made to choose: your previous life of indulgent, selfish excess that will surely lead to an unfortunate rebirth (or hell) OR a life of altruistic service, devotion and sacrifice that will stand you in better chance of a good rebirth and enlightenment.

The safe middling ground

I eventually left that organisation when the rigid choice between the two ways of living became too forced, controlled and extreme to feel right for me anymore. But although that experience was more than 10 years ago, I’m still muddling my way around how to find a comfortable compromise between these two ways of living. How do I live with both, together? Is it even possible? Or practical?